The Importance of Not Being Right

I have been thinking about how divided we seem at the moment and how difficult it is to see a way forward. Most of us believe one thing or another and each and every one of us is convinced that we are right! We are so attached to being right that we can't hear what the other is saying. Our beliefs and ideas are fuelled, reinforced and entrenched by social media and those around us. We seek out ideas that chime with our own and everyone else is the enemy. Each person feels so strongly and isn't willing to discuss or compromise but, sooner or later, we will have to come together and continue to live and work alongside each other.

Wayne Dyer suggests that our attachment to being right stems from our ego and a fear of being wrong however, for us to be right, we have to make someone else be wrong. This then triggers their fear and leads to anger. Matters can quickly escalate with all parties holding on to their own righteous anger. So, how do we let go of the attachment to wanting to be right at all costs? Dr Dyer proposes that you reply, "you're right about that" to the other person. I find that quite difficult to do especially if I don't actually agree with them! In almost all cases though, I ask myself if it really matters that they have a different viewpoint to me and, it usually doesn't. I don't have to be right and it becomes easier to let it go and not feel anger. I am working on hearing what they have to say and keeping an open heart and mind. I try to reply with "that's an interesting point" or "tell me more". I don't have to agree with them but I don't have to put them into the wrong either. I can just walk away. I can also choose to positively support the things that I believe in rather than fighting others.

We are all human beings trying to find our way in the world. The information, people and attitudes we surround ourselves with subtly feed our beliefs. If we try to live with peace, compassion and understanding these will, in turn, flow from us and spread out into the world.

One Year On

This is a very personal post as it is a year today since my dad left the planet. He took his last breath at ten to six in the evening and slipped away from us in the way that he had lived, quietly and without much fuss but leaving a profound impact.

When you are in your fifties, a lot of your group have lost one, or both,  parents or have parents who are ill. You are certainly not unique in your loss but, at first, you feel like you are the only one. To paraphrase the great teacher, Juliet Vorster, grief is a dance. Sometimes it is a raging, angry pogo and, at other times, a gentle waltz. I believe that you can't refuse the dance or hide from it. It is necessary to accept and engage with the dance on offer. If you are angry and need to rage, scream or shout, that's okay. At other times, you might just want to drift slowly around with your thoughts, memories or tears. That's okay too. The most important thing is to remain present with your feelings, acknowledge them and let them pass. You can no more hold onto them than you hold onto the person who has passed. If you ignore the feelings or push them down they will keep on coming back, stronger, harder and more painful each time, until you deal with them. They are a tide, raging at first but eventually gently washing everything clean and moving along.

This doesn't mean that you forget your loved one. On the contrary, you start to see them clearly and remember them with love. Dad's physical form is gone from us forever and it is hard knowing that we will never see or hear him again. You miss the smallest and strangest things (hearing Elvis singing "How Great Thou Art" on the radio set me off the other day!) but his energy remains with me always. His influence is still with us every day.  We carry his mannerisms and humour and we see and hear ourselves doing and saying the things he did. This is a comfort and a source of happiness.

When the tide comes in now it brings memories and when it goes out it takes away sadness, leaving clear, sparkling water behind.

Dad's legacy is one of steady love and influence. He enjoyed life, fun, friendship and laughter. A year on and I am very grateful for that.