One Year On

This is a very personal post as it is a year today since my dad left the planet. He took his last breath at ten to six in the evening and slipped away from us in the way that he had lived, quietly and without much fuss but leaving a profound impact.

When you are in your fifties, a lot of your group have lost one, or both,  parents or have parents who are ill. You are certainly not unique in your loss but, at first, you feel like you are the only one. To paraphrase the great teacher, Juliet Vorster, grief is a dance. Sometimes it is a raging, angry pogo and, at other times, a gentle waltz. I believe that you can't refuse the dance or hide from it. It is necessary to accept and engage with the dance on offer. If you are angry and need to rage, scream or shout, that's okay. At other times, you might just want to drift slowly around with your thoughts, memories or tears. That's okay too. The most important thing is to remain present with your feelings, acknowledge them and let them pass. You can no more hold onto them than you hold onto the person who has passed. If you ignore the feelings or push them down they will keep on coming back, stronger, harder and more painful each time, until you deal with them. They are a tide, raging at first but eventually gently washing everything clean and moving along.

This doesn't mean that you forget your loved one. On the contrary, you start to see them clearly and remember them with love. Dad's physical form is gone from us forever and it is hard knowing that we will never see or hear him again. You miss the smallest and strangest things (hearing Elvis singing "How Great Thou Art" on the radio set me off the other day!) but his energy remains with me always. His influence is still with us every day.  We carry his mannerisms and humour and we see and hear ourselves doing and saying the things he did. This is a comfort and a source of happiness.

When the tide comes in now it brings memories and when it goes out it takes away sadness, leaving clear, sparkling water behind.

Dad's legacy is one of steady love and influence. He enjoyed life, fun, friendship and laughter. A year on and I am very grateful for that.